The following is a short (attempt at) humor piece I wrote a few weeks ago for the Review, but due to lack of space, was not published. Here it is – after all the intense Coulter controversy recently this should be a nice relaxer. **Please keep in mind it was written for our Valentine’s Day issue, so there may be some anachronisms.**

the Social Life of a Republican at Cornell

As the second semester begins and Valentine’s Day approaches, I find myself asking myself a few questions. The first is: how has being a Republican shaped my social life here at Cornell? The second is…why I don’t I have a date for V-Day? (Or as one of my friends says, ‘Single’s Awareness Day’). I will now attempt to answer these puzzling inquiries.

Question number one: Being a conservative on campus, surprisingly, has boosted my social life to a level I didn’t think possible. It’s like a party favor, being a Republican. Whenever a conversation gets dull, I just toss it out there and immediately the crowd goes wild. Allow me to recount a typical conversation which would ensue after my coming out of the right-wing closet.

Awkward silence after just meeting a girl…

Liberal Rando #1: “So, uh…how about that awesome new Jeezy song, ‘My President is Black.’”

Me (dumb conservative): “Oh yea… I have an idea for a sequel called ‘My Stimulus Bill is Whack.’”

Liberal Rando #1 (Shocked at the lack of my allegiance to everything that is Obama): “What? Wait…are you…a…a…”

Me (I spare her from having to say the word): “Yes, I’m actually a Republican.”

Liberal Rando #1, dropping her red solo cup and staring at me blankly: “REALLY? Wow? Where are you from, the south?!”

Me: “Uh, Virginia, it’s actually just below the Mason Dixie line. And no, I’m not racist.”

Liberal Rando #1: “Wow, Virginia…that must be realllly far from Connecticut. So, like, what do you believe in, God?”

Me: “Well, among other things, yes. I am pro-life, favor a limited national government, and-“

Liberal Rando #1: “HEY! TIM! This guy’s a REPUBLICAN!! He’s PRO-LIFE! HAHA”

Success! And so it begins, I think to myself. Here we go. Come on ladies, come see the crazy Republican. Especially you, with the little bandana in your hair. That’s right, be daring – listen to my views. I’m probably dangerous (wink face ) Forget the keg, listen to the republican spout his ridiculous ideologies!

Liberal Rando #1’s friend (we’ll call him Slightly More Moderate Rando #2) stumbles over through the crowd, slightly inebriated, red-eyed, and wearing a sweeeet Bob Marley shirt.

Slightly More Moderate Rando #2: “What?! HAHA! Dude that’s nuts! OK, Rando #1, I’m going back to my flip cup game…”

Wait! No! It’s not supposed to happen like that – nobody’s crowding around me yet! Where’s the girl with the bandana? Ok, time to pull out the heavy weaponry. I wasn’t going to do this, but…you made me. I have no other choice now that I’m in the corner you’ve put me in.

So, then, I make sure I have everyone’s attention, and I drop the punch line (bomb).

“Yea, I actually write for the…CORNELL REVIEW.”

After that, it’s game over. I officially have the undivided attention of everyone in the building. Some people pass out, some puke, and some lose their balance and fall (I assume this is from my preposterous political literary habits and not the alcohol). I brace for the insults and slurs, but I endure them, because I know on the other side is a hoard of curious, crazy, open-minded, free-loving, registered democratic females waiting to take a walk on the wild side (of the political spectrum). After all, these ladies are “not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas (dictionary.com).” This could only be good news for me.

Transitioning into Question number two: Yet, Valentine’s Day is nearly here and I find myself lacking cheap cards, stale candies and a woman (preferably not stale). But this can’t possibly be happening, given the supply of liberal ladies supposedly flocking in my direction.

I believe I can attribute it to one flaw in my right-wing ‘game running.’ The problem is that these women are apparently attracted to me merely for my political views, not for who I really am – you know, like what’s on the inside. Instead, my political views transform me into this strange elitist version of a pseudo-‘badboy.’ I’m like the Colin Farrell of Ivy League Politics; the rock star of intellectual debate. Only I don’t swear and smoke cigarettes or make kick-ass music, but rather speak in a non-abrasive tone and suggest alternative political ideologies. Instead of seducing women by flashing my gun holster or picking a fight with someone, I sport a ‘No-Spin Zone’ hat and direct them to my latest blog post on national security. The pen-is-mightier, it seems. It appears these ladies are turned on by the possibility of intense ‘discourse.’

But, unfortunately, this only lasts so long. Eventually the fire goes out, and I generally just get sick of arguing over whether or not Hamas is a terrorist organization. So, here I am, finding myself on Valentine’s day without a date. My message to the ladies is to, for once, stop being so superficial and appreciate me for who I am (I enjoy canoeing, breeding gerbils and handsome cab rides). Until then though, I have to deal with a lonesome Valentine’s day.

At least I’ll always have O’Reilly re-runs.

Due to the accuracy (I believe) of some of the characters in this post, I have also placed it in the ‘Campus Insiders’ category.