Anyone who has watched Happy Gilmore is familiar with a legendary t-shirt which reads, “Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.”  This same wise adage can be applied to our on-campus Andromeda, swine flu.  The saying would go something like this – “Pigs don’t kill people.  People kill people.”  I have presented the design to the left and will begin marketing it shortly.  Why? Because there are some pretty simple guidelines for preventing swine flu.

But what are these guidelines, you may ask? Well, look no further than today’s front page of the Daily Sun, where doctors, associates, swine-carriers, and frat boys all pitched in their two cents to form groundbreaking and insightful conclusions.

Attached to the side of the article is the ‘H1N1 Tip Sheet,’ which highlights some key methods to stay well, including (but not limited to) “shield[ing] others from coughs and sneezes by using tissues.”  Well that sucks, I guess I should hesitate now from blowing my snot onto random passers-by.  It’s quite sad that this kind of information has to be printed on the front of an Ivy League paper for people to figure out.  Don’t we pride ourselves on being intelligent? And then there is my personal favorite piece of advice, to “avoid unnecessary contact with live pigs.”

WHAT?!

Looks like I’ll have to stop my daily routine of waking up and butchering a live pig for farm-fresh bacon and clean out the sty in my Cascadilla double.  But there is some ambiguity in the advice – what if the contact with the pig isn’t “unnecessary?”  And what if it isn’t a “live pig?”  Is it ok if I come into contact with a pig that’s in a coma?  Can I borrow his Dustbuster to clean out my sty until he wakes up?  Which brings us to guideline #1) Don’t use raw pork kielbasa as a throat lozenge.

A few paragraphs into the article, the reporter tells the story of an anonymous swine recipient who became sick “by drinking out of the wrong cup at a party.” The ‘wrong cup?’ Really? Anybody who has been to a Cornell party knows where that cup probably came from, and chances are it was surrounded by 9 others in a triangular arrangement.  Aaand…guideline # 2) When there is a mild pandemic in an isolated environment, don’t booze up through cups that have been recycled through random people’s mouths. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have trouble feeling bad for people that drink out of such cups and get swine.  At least make it more entertaining for those around you and do the worm on a grimy  fraternity dance floor or something – that should do the trick just as well.

Then, after the person became sick, she went to Gannett, to determine whether or not she had contracted H1N1, “where an entire waiting room was devoted to patients experiencing flu-like symptoms.”  Great! If she didn’t have the flu before she went in, she sure does now!  I’m not by any means a physician, but if I wanted to get sick, one of my top ways would probably be to go chill out in a waiting room with a bunch of infected people. Guideline #3) Don’t chill out with infected people. In fact, with so many sick people going to Gannett and sitting in rooms together, I will go so far as to make guideline #4) Don’t go to Gannett.**

It’s not that having SF isn’t a big deal – my guess is it probably sucks.  Having the regular seasonal flu also sucks.  What so many people apparently don’t realize is that they are essentially the exact same thing.  Only difference is H1N1 spreads a lot faster.  Which of course, is not good news, but it’s not as if the bubonic plague is on the brink of tormenting Ithaca.  This is exactly why visitors at Gannett are diagnosed with ‘probable’ swine flu – because the difference between swine and regular influenza is nonexistent without extensive testing that is not used at the Health Center.  To illustrate this, I present to you today’s riddle – try and find five differences between the two pictures below:

The answer is: whatever, they are practically identical.  And it’s not just because I chose pictures from the ‘unreliable’ Wikipedia; WebMD lists the symptoms as one in the same.

Our swine flu craze has gotten out of control.  Much like the strain itself, it has gone viral.  People have gone into panic mode and my inbox has been infected with Gannett junk mail.  Thanks to the incessant articles, blog posts, emails, and ads, as soon as anybody has a tickle in their throat nowadays they rush to the Health Center to receive medical attention.  Before we know it, the most popular class for senior Cornellians will be Intro to Swines.  Influenza sucks; my grandmother was Spanish – my great great great grandmother can probably attest to influenza not being a joke.  It’s going to cause problems.  It always does.

**My comment about not going to Gannett was a joke.  If you’re actually sick, go to Gannett. Seriously.  I am also predicting that Murphy’s Law ensures my contraction of H1N1 after writing this article. Visit me in the hospital.